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Lower Snooki in a ball in Times Square on New Year’s Eve while The Situation and other cast members lead a Guinness-breaking fist pump. That was MTV’s original plan, but the authorities shot it down. They’re doing it in Jersey instead. Season three of the show starts next week, and this right now is clearly the apex of celebrity for these people — it’s all downhill from here. Where will they be in ten years? We have some guesses.
Jersey Shore Cast in 2020
DJ Pauly D Occupation: DJ, duh Blown it all on: Hair gel and board shorts Has been arrested on charges of: Possession of a controlled substance Will bang you for: $200
Snooki Occupation: Minor-league baseball mascot Blown it all on: Costco’s snack food aisle Has been arrested on charges of: Indecent exposure Will bang you for: $1,000
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Sammi Sweetheart Occupation: Stay-at-home mom Blown it all on: Salon trips Has been arrested on charges of: Vandalism Will bang you for: $3,000
Ronnie Occupation: WWE superstar Blown it all on: (wait for it…) Steroids Has been arrested on charges of: Assault, obviously Will bang you for: $2,000
Vinny Occupation: Unemployed Blown it all on: Video games and shit from Brookstone Has been arrested on charges of: Nothing. Vinny’s no criminal. Will bang you for: $3,000
Angela Who gives a shit about Angela?
Jwoww Occupation: Auto magazine model Blown it all on: Hasn’t. For some reason we feel Jwoww is the 50 Cent of this crowd. Has been arrested on charges of: Assault Will bang you for: $20,000
The Situation Occupation: Strip club bouncer Blown it all on: Strippers Has been arrested on charges of: Sexual harassment Will bang you for: Free
