Festivus and ten more made-up holidays for the Holidays

Tomorrow, Rick Gold will host a traditional Fesitvus celebration at the Shag Lounge. There, you can commune around the Festivus pole, air some grievances and perform some feats of strength. There will also be a ($5 maximum) gift exchange. In honor of disillusionment everywhere, we present 10 more alternate celebrations from the week Jesus was (definitely wasn’t) born.

10. Heat Miser Day – Turn the thermostat up to 80 degrees (Mother Nature loves this holiday). – Microwave whatever shitty garage sale gift your great aunt sent you. – Sing the song, obviously.

9. Grapefruit Day – Turns out, you can mail order fantastic grapefruits from Texas at this time of year. Do it. – Hold a a grapefruit slicing contest so you can laugh at your fruit-novice friends. – Throw away the grapefruits. Compared with other citrus, even a good one’s pretty paltry.

8. Night Vision Night – More darkness this week than any other time of year. Turn off all the lights once the sun goes down. – Put on night vision goggles. – Play tag.

7. Hollywood Day Trip – Go to one of the many movies that get released Christmas week. – Sneak in a dozen mini-bottles of vodka. – Drink, cry, repeat.

6. Nutcracker’s Eve – Get a bag of mixed nuts in shell and a geode. – Gather all your friends and have a contest to see who can crack the most nuts using only your bodies and a parking lot. Extra points for macadamias. Those fuckers put up a fight. – Winner gets to break open the geode with a chisel.

5. Old Year’s Day – Before making promises for the New Year, you must explore your regrets from the Old Year. – Make a list of things you wish hadn’t happened this year. – Post them to your blog.

4. Relatvium – Gather your entire extended family in one place. – Put the younger generation in uncomfortable, oversized clothing. – Have the middle generation get a little drunk. – Everyone tell embarrassing stories about whoever brought a new girlfriend/boyfriend.

3. Football Fanatics Festival – Watch every single bowl game, every single NFL game and Texas’s high school state championship. – When there isn’t a game going on, talk about games you just saw or are about to see with everyone around you. – Do not wuss out right before New Year’s Day. Get a Clockwork Orange style viewing chair if necessary.

2. Cell Phone Jam Session Day – Gather a bunch of people. Turn the key pad tones up as loud as possible on your cell phones. – Invent songs, drum circle style. – Watch as attractive, eligible singles flock to you.

1. Rocksplosion – Put a boulder weighing no less than 100 pounds in the center of your living room. – Decorate it with colorful graffiti and one (ONLY ONE) string of Christmas lights. That’s plenty. – Play Led Zeppelin’s IV and Meatloaf’s Bat Outta Hell all day on repeat.