Your bologna has a first name, and a second name. This is common knowledge. But it also has an opinion about you — one that it shares with the rest of the world, freely and without reservation. And bologna isn’t the only lunchmeat that does this. They all do it…
Television, as Conan O’Brien will tell you, is a fickle business. They build you up, they use you up, they toss you aside. And sometimes the powers that be don’t even wait to use you up — they just decide that you’re done, for reasons that have little to do…
For the most part, Christmas is a time full of really good stuff to eat — from the fancy (Christmas dinner with all the trimmings) to the simple (cookies). But there are some foods and drinks that just don’t make sense anymore — they belong to a different time, in…
Christmas is all about tradition: the tree, the presents, Santa Claus and, if you’re so inclined, that Jesus fella. But just because we’ve been doing it for so long doesn’t mean that it’s still a good idea. Some things are good: Christmas specials, family dinner, lights on trees, filled stockings,…
Stockings can be a favorite part of the Christmas experience, mostly because of the surprise factor: While kids often write Christmas lists that rank items by price, catalog page and level of absolute need, they don’t often bother listing stuff that is stocking-appropriate. So tearing through that comically giant, un-wearable,…
Christmas songs really ought to be up little tunes — hope, faith, charity, love and all that. But some songs have apparently snuck through the back door, drunk up all the rum, made a clumsy pass on pretty much everyone but the family dog, and are now holding court in…
Admit it: There are really only two good ways to enjoy Thanksgiving turkey: fresh from the oven and carved on the table on the big day itself, and on sandwiches for days on end afterward. Everything else is more or less a sociological experiment — a study, perhaps, on just…
Every year, on a seemingly random day at the end of November, America celebrates Thanksgiving. (Canadians, as usual, get this completely wrong and hold it in October.) It’s a day of tradition, a day to give thanks. And a day, or so it’s become over time, that we all do…
In honor of tomorrow’s Veterans Day, we’d like to honor not only those brave men and women that served our nation, but also those fictional souls that impressed upon us the spirit of valor, patriotism, sacrifice … and entertainment value. The few, the proud, the wartime characters of American pop…
Pop quiz, hotshot. You’ve got the wealth of Bill (or at least Antonio) Gates, but you live in a neighborhood that doesn’t wall-out or otherwise secure your house from casual trick-or-treating. You love Halloween, and you want your house to be legendary. You don’t want to go crazy here–no Oprah-style…
At first, handing out lame treats on Halloween seems like a victimless crime. Kids are already getting bags of candy as it is, so what’s the harm with one fewer awesome treat. Part of the harm is that they’re not the victim, really–you are. You, your house, your cars, your…
There are lots of reasons we may want to patronize some television restaurants. Maybe drive-in to Arnold’s (Happy Days) for a burger and a shake; have some brunch and a peek at the afterlife at Der Waffle Haus (Dead Like Me); or enjoy a tuna on toast (with a side…
There are places to meet friends for drinks … and then there are bars, my friends. Places where the drink is the thing, and the goal is drunk. That in mind, there are some TV bars where you just wouldn’t want to be, like Rosie’s from M.A.S.H. (bad booze near…
Attention Cereal Eaters: The following ten cereal mascots are wanted by the authorities for a variety of criminal activities. They are fugitives from justice and currently at-large. United States law enforcement agencies encourage the community to assist in the fight against crime by overcoming the three key elements that inhibit…
Fitness and diet schemes have been around as long as there’s been advertising. It’s the sale of empty hope — machinery with limited usage, devices with inflated claims, herbal supplements that skirt FDA regulations. But we know all that, and still we watch. And some of us still buy. Of…
The pop-culture landscape is littered with the bleached bones of advertising mascots long passed: For every Kool-Aid Man that survives to break down new walls with his rotund fruit-drink excitement, there’s a Hawaiian Punch dude who’s drunk in the corner and a Spuds McKenzie buried out back. Some make it,…
I blame pineapple. That’s really where it started to go wrong. Once you decide that fruit is a reasonable pizza topping (and no, Mr. Fun-Facts, tomatoes don’t count), it’s a short trip to a slice of tuna salad, brownie and lemongrass. So yes, America has adopted the pizza, and that…
TV theme songs have gotten a little more hip in recent years — from Cake lending “Short Skirt, Long Jacket” to Chuck to Lazlo Bane doing “I’m no Superman” for Scrubs, to any of the seasonal iterations of Tom Waits’ “Way Down in the Hole” on The Wire. But there…
Ah, the burger. Labor Day grilling tradition, force of good and ease in the American diet. We take you for granted, burger. We assume that because you are a national culinary treasure that you are also unassailable, that you can be toyed with–unmercifully at times–and that you’ll still come out…
Every kid knew it: lunchboxes meant something. And it wasn’t just that you were a fan of whatever it was that you sported on your lunchtime luggage. It was your proclamation of identity. A window into your third-grade, paste-eating soul. So the question was this: with what are you aligning…
Somewhere between breakfast and a cup of coffee lays this middle ground of stupid — food that isn’t really food, but still seems appropriate to consume for the (allegedly) most important meal of the day. Jon Stewart and The Daily Show exposed the ridiculousness of the pancake-wrapped sausage years ago,…
Call it a good idea, call it a bad idea, call it the nadir of American couch potato society. But there’s no doubt that the Snuggie is pretty damn popular. It’s everywhere — including the Snuggie Pub Crawl in downtown Denver this Saturday. Which prompts the question: Will the Snuggie…
