View larger image Missouri Total Number of Delegates: 88 Pledged: 72 Unpledged: 16 How to Recognize a Missouri Delegate: One explanation of how Missouri became known as the “Show Me” State claims that the nickname originated as a derogatory slur in Colorado. Untrained “scabs,” brought in from Joplin, Missouri, to…
“Age was never an issue when you stuck to your guns!” White House Communications Director Connie Spano reminds youthful President Whitmore minutes before spaceships begin demolishing all humans in that keenest of all political meditations, Independence Day. For John McCain, who loves guns and those who shoot them, his 71…
Rudy Giuliani couldn’t even quit first. So much for the know-it-alls who predicted big things still in store for John Edwards, whose small but solid support in the proportionally awarded Democratic primaries may have given him a powerful delegate voice at the national convention. Provided he pulled at least fifteen…
Florida is where New Yorkers go to die. Unsurprising, then, that Rudy Giuliani’s campaign, which had started in the grandeur of double-digit leads in national polls, would crawl from bungalow to bungalow on the I-4 corridor before unceremoniously collapsing in tatty defeat at his headquarters in Orlando. Reeling from a…
Forgive the President for appearing exceedingly relaxed during his last State of the Union. Sporting the air of resignation that a student council president uses when reminding revelers to drive home safely from the prom — long after the cool kids have moved on to hotel rooms and tomorrow’s conquests…
View larger image Mississippi Total Number of Delegates: 40 Pledged: 33 Unpledged: 7 How to Recognize a Mississippi Delegate: Due to a prolonged history of ill-timed natural disasters and social injustice, Mississippi today is the poorest state in the nation. Fortunately, that poverty has created a form of super-human state…
As predicted earlier today, Fred Thompson is dropping out of the Republican race — but sadly, his spot at Law & Order has already been filled by Sam Waterston, whose own foray into politics for Unity ’08 has been less than overwhelming. Too bad, because several other L&O cast-mates would…
After his sad 16 percent in South Carolina, it looks like Fred Thompson will be calling it quits before closing arguments in the next real presidential trials: Florida, and then February 5’s Super Tuesday. But he has only himself to blame. When former senator Thompson was playing district attorney Arthur…
View larger image Minnesota Total Number of Delegates: 88 Pledged: 72 Unpledged: 16 How to Recognize a Minnesota Delegate: Most Americans’ knowledge about Minnesota comes from the movie Fargo, which was written and directed by natives Joel and Ethan Coen. Actress Frances McDormand (real-life wife of Joel) won the 1996…
Imagine yourself on February 5. It’s caucus time in Colorado and you and your fellow Obama supporters have gathered at your local Democratic Party precinct and are ready to start making your argument for why the Illinois senator is right for Colorado, right for the Democratic Party, right for America…
No matter what you think about cute-as-a-kewpie-doll Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, you have to hand it to the former Arkansas governor for rocking out on the campaign trail. His classic rock cover band, Capitol Offense, has performed semi-regularly throughout Huckabee’s presidential run, caressing audiences with tunes like “Free Bird,”…
View larger image Michigan Total Number of Delegates: 157 Pledged: 128 Unpledged: 29 How to Recognize a Michigan Delegate: Michigan has a lot to answer for. Two of the nation’s greatest problems, aside from Mitt Romney and Madonna, can be blamed on industries based in Michigan. Global warming is the…
Get all the news you need, and more, from the New Hampshire primaries tonight at the Elephants In The Room blog of our Minneapolis sister paper, City Pages, as they liveblog all the ins and outs of this evening’s masterpiece of political theater. Sure they’re 1,000 miles away, but this…
The choice is clear, New Hampshire. At least for those of you Granite State Republicans. Vermin Supreme. Vermin is officially on the primary ballot, and with such pledges as mandatory toothbrushes, time traveling to forceful abort Mrs. Hitler’s gestating catastrophe, and no flying monkeys in the city of New York,…
New Hampshire votes today, but Denver still has plenty of work to do before February 5, or Super Duper Tuesday as it’s known, when Colorado and 23 other states pick their nominees for president. The Democratic Party, especially, needs to build a massive base of volunteers, and not just wonks…
View larger image Massachusetts Total Number of Delegates: 121 Pledged: 93 Unpledged: 28 How to Recognize a Massachusetts Delegate: Massholes. It’s the name that everyone from Maine to Maryland loves to call the residents of Massachusetts. Oh, sure, it’s funny, but it’s not entirely true. Well, it’s true on weekdays…
View larger image Maryland Number of Delegates: 99 Pledged: 70 Unpledged: 29 How to Recognize a Maryland Delegate: Chesapeake is the Susquehannock Indian word for “great blue crab bay.” So when the land surrounding the bay was granted to Lord Baltimore in 1632, he wanted to call his new colony…
View larger image Maine Number of Delegates: 34 Pledged: 24 Unpledged: 10 How to Recognize a Maine Delegate: Most Americans’ perception of Maine starts at the Discount Outlet Stores in Kittery and ends at the parking lot of the Discount Outlet Stores in Freeport. This sixty-mile stretch of U.S. Highway…
The Recreate ’68 alliance (profiled in the October 25 feature, “Recreate ’68 Plans to Do Just That”) has just issued a curious holiday manifesto. A take on the 1834 Clement Clarke Moore poem “A Visit from St. Nicholas,” the alliance has crafted the following holiday missive, meant, presumably, to stir…
It was fun while it lasted. Tom Tancredo just made official what had been rumored for 24 hours: He’s pulling out of the Republican presidential race. Although he never really had a chance of reaching the White House, Tancredo’s already won: He made immigration a focal point of the campaign…
View larger image Louisiana Total Number of Delegates: 67 Pledged: 56 Unpledged: 11 How to Recognize a Louisiana Delegate: The surface of Louisiana may properly be divided into two parts: the swamplands, and the quagmires, which include the townships and parishes built on the bribes and embezzlements of organized political…
View larger image Kentucky Total Number of Delegates: 59 Pledged: 50 Unpledged: 9 How to Recognize a Kentucky Delegate: Kentuckians insist that they live in the south, even though the majority of the state’s population lives along the northern border, mainly in Louisville and the suburbs of the solidly Midwestern…
