Shmuck of the Week: Alexis Williamson, aka the Horse Wispier

I’ve never owned a horse, or even horse-sat for that matter. So I can’t say for sure that I could properly maintain the nutrition of an equine if charged with such responsibility. If the horse didn’t like Ben & Jerry’s or the onion rings from My Brother’s Bar, he might not have the best culinary week of his life.

But I’m pretty sure I could do better than Alexis Williamson.

Wiilamson is 22 and lives in Wellington, a rural town just north of Fort Collins. A year ago, sheriff deputies say, her father moved out of state, leaving Williamson to care for at least three horses. This, it turned out, was a really shitty idea.

It’s unclear how often, if ever, Williamson bothered to feed the horses, but all signs point to “almost never.” Earlier this week, sheriff deputies and animal-control officers responded to the barn where the horses were kept. They found two horses so malnourished, they “scored a 1.0 and 2.5 on a body conditioning scoring scale which goes to 10” — which is a fancy way of saying they looked like sort of like Lara Flynn Boyle in 2004, but way skinnier. A third horse was in such bad shape it was put down by a friend of Williamson just before the deputies arrived — and considering the rest of Williamson’s animal-care resume, it’s a safe bet it wasn’t the most humane euthanization.

Willamson was arrested and charged with animal cruelty. She’s also our Shmuck of the Week, which entitles her to one free ass-kicking at the local country bar.

Meet more shmucks in our Shmuck of the Week archive.